Kinda Trippy

It’s been a long minute since I posted. Not just because life has been ridiculous, cause my health and schedule have been-believe you me, but because I initially had an agenda for this blog.

Largely, not to turn it into an online diary! However, I’ve had innumerable thoughts and moments I wanted to blog about. Good ones, dumb ones, started ones, ones. At the moment, there aren’t many folks checking this yet anyway, so I guess its time to stop treading water at the shallow end of the pool.

So don’t be surprised if I become hella random, stop writing halfway through a phrase or totally skip the grammar and spell check.

This is an experience… in  (God’s) grace, through (Life’s) truth, pure(ly) ME! Care to join me?

WELCOME! HOW-DO! HAJIME MASHITE!  DOZO YOROSHIKU! BE BLESSED! CIAO!

It was a dark and stormy… umm not really (written in early April)

I started this blog for many reasons and somehow many of those same reasons have kept me from blogging, go figure. Today’s blog will be short and sweet, but done so here goes:

What is your passion?

I have often heard the adage that when you love what you do and/or find/fulfill your passion, you’ll never work a day in your life. “uuhh negative” and “oh really” are the first phrases that entire my mind. I went to school and studied something I seemingly loved. I’ve been doing it for a dozen years and its definitely work. Besides, that phrase doesn’t bring the fact that passions change like fashion trends, often without rhyme or reason.

I have many “passions” and interests. So if I say I’m bored, it’s because I’m frustrated and tired, not because I can’t think of something to do or have done. There doesn’t to be enough time in the day or energy in my body, for all I want to do.

I have a family member who is forever saying they are bored. I wondered how could that be, I have a hard enough time shutting down my mind for the night so I can sleep. So I asked him, a teen on the brink of adulthood, why was he bored. Turns out he’s merely frustrated and chomping at the bit to move on with life. I pray he finds his passions and pursues them with the energy and vigor of youth.

Passion. Passion. Pa-si-on…. et em.

Surrounded loneliness

I sit here tapping a mental pencil, debating should I say this or leave it go.

An evening enjoyed turns sour at the remembrance that there is no one to share it with once destinations are reached for the night.

— written weeks ago, but the truth holds. I don’t speak my mind very often. I prefer to keep my thoughts and opinions, if which there are many, to myself. I have no desire to offend anyone or come off as someone I know that I am not.

That is changing!

I’ve determined: Inner screaming can kill you. Holding everything bottled up like a shook carbonated beverage can kill you. Being lonely and lonesome in silence puts you at risk.

Speaking out is hard, difficult, risky but also freeing. So starting here, I’ll say to those who think I’m so strong : I get very lonely. I often get restless. I am not usually very social. I get shy. I  become a wallflower. I’m often waiting and hoping someone (I like) will seek me out and engage me.

That isn’t who I intend to remain, but those moments come. I work hard to bring myself out of those places with lots of prayer and God’s grace. It’s a process, but I’m glad to know I’m not where I once was, thank you God.