I sit here tapping a mental pencil, debating should I say this or leave it go.
An evening enjoyed turns sour at the remembrance that there is no one to share it with once destinations are reached for the night.
— written weeks ago, but the truth holds. I don’t speak my mind very often. I prefer to keep my thoughts and opinions, if which there are many, to myself. I have no desire to offend anyone or come off as someone I know that I am not.
That is changing!
I’ve determined: Inner screaming can kill you. Holding everything bottled up like a shook carbonated beverage can kill you. Being lonely and lonesome in silence puts you at risk.
Speaking out is hard, difficult, risky but also freeing. So starting here, I’ll say to those who think I’m so strong : I get very lonely. I often get restless. I am not usually very social. I get shy. I become a wallflower. I’m often waiting and hoping someone (I like) will seek me out and engage me.
That isn’t who I intend to remain, but those moments come. I work hard to bring myself out of those places with lots of prayer and God’s grace. It’s a process, but I’m glad to know I’m not where I once was, thank you God.