40 days… 40 years, not me!

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The children of Israel/Abraham were delivered from bondage thru miracles and death defying events.  Yet upon reaching the outskirts of the Promised Land and receiving the Word from God that it was theirs, they sent out testing feelers for 40 days. For their disbelief, distrust & disobedience, they were sentenced to a 40 death sentence of wondering, purging, and training up of the next generation who knew not the yoke of the Egyptian bondage.

Do I want to pursue this type of cycle? Not really, yet how many times have I allowed natural issues and concerns to supercede the voice of my supernatural father?

Well I’m done with that. Yet I also know that talk is cheap, action is telling so how do I move forward obedience to His will? 1 step. 1 moment. 1 blind leap of faith in him at a time. through the renewing of my mind in God’s Word. Doing what I study and read and hear so as not to deceive myself but in pure grace filled biblical truth infused faith!

3 weeks…

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After so many years. Peace to my prayerful heart… through silent words spoken within.  Thank you Abba.

My time has come. Am I ready? Have I decided? Probably not and Yes, but I’m still excited.

If I could walk on water, I’d dance the waves. I am dancing in my heart. Change is coming and I couldn’t be more at peace.

May the peace that passes understanding continue to guard the heart and mind through Christ Jesus. Ciao!

***the photo is not my own*** If you know the owner, please let me know and I will credit them. It is a beautiful show of God’s glory.

Update 13 months later. Has the excitement died? Would I still dance on the waves? Am I still at peace? Has the change come? Given my current mindset or rather mood on this Christmas Eve that I’m not fighting very well, most of the answers are negative except the latter. A change occurred, that I expected, several months after the 3 weeks, but it’s not THE change I was hoping for. I have not lost hope, although the excited meter needs some tuning. Still, I am, or will be, actively practicing patience and cultivating peace.

Keeping up with live music, people…

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November 2012 – Thursday night race through  bumper to bumper traffic after a ten-hour day because I love live music and my home skillet TJ is on the mic, woot woot!

April 2013 – It’s many months past, yet and still I journey for the love of live music and new friends… different locale, new home skillet KSC on keys, ever more amazing sound and vibes. Cannot imagine that this season will end.

I could lose my financial mind attending live music events, but tragically responsibility, and a healthy enjoyment of a place to lay my head and food to fill my belly, cause me to tread lightly. So be it.

MODESTY… Grrrr

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If anyone were to ask me if I am modest woman, I would give a flippant and put upon response. Maybe this in God’s way of convicting me? Well if that is so, then He has loads more work to do in me, because comments, explanations, exhortations that aren’t specifically requested are still likely to be ignored/resisted.

If you know me, pray for me but say nothing. If you don’t, pray but say nothing. It’s the only warning to be issued.

Endure … The tears

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I’ve never seen the Passion of the Christ movie. I’ve avoided it. Today, by mere accident, I turn on a youtube video of a william mcdowell song that plays the crucifixion scene.

Oh the tears…  I couldn’t help but weep. This is why I would never watch it. I don’t like tears. (understatement, let me tell you)

Now my face itches, my nose is stuffy but I’m grateful & more loving of Christ in this moment. I can endure the tears and what they cause me to feel. He endured far worse because he loved me.

I try to imagine what I would endure for my coming mate and future children. It causes to want to praise God the more, because I have an inkling of what that love must be like, the barest inkling.

Thank you Jesus for loving me enough to endure!

When I find the link again, I’ll post it.

Kinda Trippy

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It’s been a long minute since I posted. Not just because life has been ridiculous, cause my health and schedule have been-believe you me, but because I initially had an agenda for this blog.

Largely, not to turn it into an online diary! However, I’ve had innumerable thoughts and moments I wanted to blog about. Good ones, dumb ones, started ones, ones. At the moment, there aren’t many folks checking this yet anyway, so I guess its time to stop treading water at the shallow end of the pool.

So don’t be surprised if I become hella random, stop writing halfway through a phrase or totally skip the grammar and spell check.

This is an experience… in  (God’s) grace, through (Life’s) truth, pure(ly) ME! Care to join me?

WELCOME! HOW-DO! HAJIME MASHITE!  DOZO YOROSHIKU! BE BLESSED! CIAO!

It was a dark and stormy… umm not really (written in early April)

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I started this blog for many reasons and somehow many of those same reasons have kept me from blogging, go figure. Today’s blog will be short and sweet, but done so here goes:

What is your passion?

I have often heard the adage that when you love what you do and/or find/fulfill your passion, you’ll never work a day in your life. “uuhh negative” and “oh really” are the first phrases that entire my mind. I went to school and studied something I seemingly loved. I’ve been doing it for a dozen years and its definitely work. Besides, that phrase doesn’t bring the fact that passions change like fashion trends, often without rhyme or reason.

I have many “passions” and interests. So if I say I’m bored, it’s because I’m frustrated and tired, not because I can’t think of something to do or have done. There doesn’t to be enough time in the day or energy in my body, for all I want to do.

I have a family member who is forever saying they are bored. I wondered how could that be, I have a hard enough time shutting down my mind for the night so I can sleep. So I asked him, a teen on the brink of adulthood, why was he bored. Turns out he’s merely frustrated and chomping at the bit to move on with life. I pray he finds his passions and pursues them with the energy and vigor of youth.

Passion. Passion. Pa-si-on…. et em.

Aside

I sit here tapping a mental pencil, debating should I say this or leave it go.

An evening enjoyed turns sour at the remembrance that there is no one to share it with once destinations are reached for the night.

— written weeks ago, but the truth holds. I don’t speak my mind very often. I prefer to keep my thoughts and opinions, if which there are many, to myself. I have no desire to offend anyone or come off as someone I know that I am not.

That is changing!

I’ve determined: Inner screaming can kill you. Holding everything bottled up like a shook carbonated beverage can kill you. Being lonely and lonesome in silence puts you at risk.

Speaking out is hard, difficult, risky but also freeing. So starting here, I’ll say to those who think I’m so strong : I get verylonely. I often get restless. I am not usually very social. I get shy. I  become a wallflower. I’m often waiting and hoping someone (I like) will seek me out and engage me.

That isn’t who I intend to remain, but those moments come. I work hard to bring myself out of those places with lots of prayer and God’s grace. It’s a process, but I’m glad to know I’m not where I once was, thank you God.

Surrounded loneliness

In so many words

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Snobbish, cold, distant, unapproachable, dismissive, amazon, arrogant, intimidating, flighty, flitting like butterfly never settling long, guarded, pulling away, rude, disdainful, disrespectful, uppity, mean, indignant, unobservant, elusive, immodest, immoral, disobediant, fast, double-minded, lazy, sluggard, oblivious, ambivilent, obvious, insensitive, pushy, sharp, bossy, harsh, controlling, uncaring, dissapproving, too liberal, staid, immature, boring, wild, detached, prejudiced, judgemental, hypocritical, wavering… Try saying all that in one breathe. I’ll bring you an oxygen tank, don’t worry.

A horrible description, right?

It describes me, though. Some expressed to me or about me by others, some determined by 20/20 hindsight. All true, all false. Why? Because Christ Jesus died for me and in Him I am a new creature (2 Cor. 3:18, 5:17). Old things are past away and all things become new. I am a new wine skin being filled by God on a daily basis, through prayer, study of His word, belief in Christ, and faith in action.

The descriptions of the first paragraph above are pervasive thoughts that can eat you alive if you let them. Or they bouy you into becoming more like Christ – Christ in you the hope of glory. They can cause you to be determined to study more, meditate longer on His word, so you will what God says about you, who you are in His eyes, how He sees you in your new wine skin.

But.
The.
Choice.
Is.
Yours.

The salt of the earth, light of the world, city upon a hill, wise soul winner for Christ, disciple, part of a royal priesthood, liberated and redeemed, justified through faith in Christ, meek, patient, longsuffering, loving, set free, cleansed, delivered, righteous through, sober, forgiven, repentant, sensitive to others, loving of others as you love yourself, epathetic, compassionate, fearfully and wonderfully made, head and not the tail, above and not the beneath, lender and not the borrower, the apple of God’s eye, soft, warm, precious in the sight of God, more precious than rubies and diamonds, a woman (man) of substance and integrity, a feminine (masculine) force to be reckoned with, at peace and centered on the instruction of God.

I think I prefer that description. How about you?